immense space

And you?

2007-05-26T00:24:00.000+02:00

I am

Somewhere in the subtext I live

In the metaphor I hide

Sometimes I am a zigzag in your eye

And a hum in your ear

I am your teddy bear, whose tummy the dog

Split at the seam before years

A plaster on your heel

And the bottle cap with the U.S. flag

And you?

And what you could be for me?

Maybe something

Pleasant to the touch like a plush?

I am

A doubt in the sense

A form over the meaning

Sometimes I am a protest, plan B

And a slap at the metro

I am your teddy bear, whose tummy the dog

Split at the seam before years

A plaster on your heel

And the bottle cap with the U.S. flag

And you?

And what you could be for me?

Maybe something

Pleasant to the touch like a plush?

Hey

Only

2007-04-07T13:49:00.000+02:00

I'm becoming less defined as days go by

Fading away

And well you might sayI'm losing focus

Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself

Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world

Your world that is

Cause it doesn't really matter anymore

No it doesn't really matter anymore

None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was

As far back as I can tell

I think maybe it's because...

Because you were never really real to begin with

I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.

Yes it did!

There is no you

There is only me

There is no fucking you

There is only me

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye

and it turned out to be a scab

And I had this funny feeling like

I just knew it's something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone,

I kept picking at the scab

It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut

But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be,

and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see

And now I know why, now, now, now I know why

Things aren't as pretty

On the inside

NIN

In memory of Ania M.

2007-01-27T21:51:00.000+01:00

Yesterday one of our friends from English Department died...
We were all very distressed to hear about her death.
She was joyful, energetic and charmingly scatterbrained.
It's just not fair that she had to leave this world at the age of 21.

There's nothing left to say in such a moment...

Ann - we won't forget [*]

To be different...

2007-01-12T14:32:00.000+01:00

From childhood's hour I have not been as others were;
I have not seen as others saw;
I could not bring my passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken my sorrow;
I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.

Edgar Allan Poe

Erotica

2007-01-10T01:06:00.000+01:00



Once you put your hand in the flame

You can never be the same

There's a certain satisfaction

In a little bit of pain

I can see you understand

I can tell that you're the same

If you're afraid, well rise above

I only hurt the ones I love

Madonna

Quotations

2007-01-04T20:06:00.000+01:00

Some more quotations which I really like :

‘I didn't like to think about passion, it wasn’t a part of my nature, or so I thought. How little we know – I mean really know – about our capabilities.’

‘It’s difficult to remember quite how and when intrest in another human being flares into something more commited, more passionate.’

‘Of course I searched for her. It’s only when you’ve lost someone, you realize the nonsense of that phrase “it’s a small world”. It isn’t. It’s a vast, devouring world, especially if you’re alone.’

‘If one has given oneself utterly, watching the beloved sleep can be a vile experience. Perhaps some of you have known that paralysis, staring down at features closed to your enquiry, locked away from you where you can never, ever go, into the other’s mind. As I say, for us who have given ourselves, that is a horror. One knows, in those moments, that one does not exist, except in relation to that face, that personality. Therefore, when that face is closed down, that personality is lost in its own unknowable world, one feels completely without purpose. A planet without a sun, revolving in darkness.’

‘While the nature of God and the possibility of eternal life go undiscussed, we happily chew over the minutiae of misery. The syndrome recognizes no boundaries; in bath-house and seminar-room alike, the same ritual is repeated. With the inevitability of a tongue returning to probe a painful tooth, we come back and back and back again to our fears, sitting to talk them over with the eagerness of a hungry man before a full and steaming plate.’

Clive Barker, Books of Blood

LiberaIism

2006-12-06T01:29:00.000+01:00

One more thing- someone, whose views I always take into consideration as the ones worth attention, said today that so called 'liberalism' has no chance to succeed in our world. I am not fully convinced but I must admit that his words are thought-provoking...
Don't you think so?

But still...

2006-12-06T00:42:00.000+01:00

Ok, let's face it - I've got at least 10000 things to say and so little time before my eyes inevitably close. So I guess I have to restrict myself to these most important thoughts.
First and the most significant one is the change in me - I began to derive real, I mean REAL pleasure from being with someone I love. I finally appreciated security, support, caresses, endearments and... the feeling of uniqueness that a 5-year relationship brings. I can say that I am trully happy at last.
M.- thank you for the part of me you bring out.
Secondly, I would like to leave here a message to someone - Ann, thank you for being such a great person, thank you for letting sunbeams into my life, thank you for your friendship. It means a lot to me.
The storm is over.
So why do I still feel so excited, so restless, so rough????
Maybe you are right that that's just the way I am... always dangerously alert, always waiting for something, always on standby.
My curiosity is never satisfied, my appetite is never sated, my ambitions are never fulfilled...
Is it wrong?

Better days :)

2006-11-02T19:51:00.000+01:00

I've been in a much cheerful mood for some time. I'm not so critical about our department any more and I can see both sides of this story. Looking at the man I admire so much and getting to know what's his point of view helped me to get a broader perspective on the issue. Generally he constantly influences my way of thinking. He's much older and wiser than I am so the things he says always make me look at myself critically. It's not that I automatically adopt views from him, but I test my views against his ideas and accept the best of them. I've learnt not to expect too much from life and not to plan too much, because then you're not open to the posibbilities that life brings you. I define goals that are possible to achieve in the near future and I keep my options open. I try to focus on who I want to be, not where I want to be or with whom I want to be - these are the things you can always change. Now I'm leraning to be assertive and to control my own destiny. Wish me good luck ;)

The Passion

2006-10-04T22:59:00.000+02:00

“How is it that one day life is orderly and you are content, a little cynical perhaps but on the whole just so, and then without warning you find the solid floor is a trapdoor and you are now in another place whose geography is uncertain and whose customs are strange?

Travellers at least have a choice. Those who set sail know that things will not be the same as at home. Explorers are prepared. But for us, who travel along the blood vessels, who come to the cities of the interior by chance, there is no preparation. We who were fluent find life is a foreign language.

Somewhere between the swamp and the mountains. Somewhere between fear and sex. Somewhere between God and the Devil passion is and the way there is sudden and the way back is worse.(...)

The heart is so easily mocked, believing that the sun can rise twice or that roses bloom because we want them to(...)

It was a game of chance I entered into and my heart was the wager. Such games can only be played once.(...)

I longed for feeling though I could not told you that. Words like passion and extasy, we learn them but they stay flat on the page. Sometimes we try and turn them over, find out what’s on the other side, and everyone has a story to tell of a woman or a brothel or an opium night or a war. We fear it. We fear passion and laugh at too much love and those who love too much. And still we long to feel.”

Back to reality

2006-09-30T22:56:00.000+02:00

I've just come back from my journey to Hungary and Slovakia. I had a great time in both countries. Why do all the pleasant things in life end so quickly?
Here I am back to reality... For the beginning I got to know that my best friend who was supposed to go to London came back to his drug addiction. He started to take hard drugs once again after almost a year of abstinence. He's no more the person I loved so much. He's like a shadow of the man that he used to be. I hate situations that you can do nothing about. I hate being helpless. I hate to see how he's slowly killing himself. In my previous post I wrote that my heart is breaking cause he's taking a part of it with him, I've changed my mind - my heart is slowly vanishing, probably because a part of it is dying together with M.
Helplessness - the worst feeling of all.

He's leaving...

2006-09-12T22:25:00.001+02:00

My best friend has just come back from London after spending 3 months there. I couldn't wait to see him. I missed him so much. These were the longest 3 months in my whole life. And when I could finally hug him and feel safe in his arms again... he told me that he's leaving for a year. He wants to give up his studies and go to London to earn some money. What can I say? That's his decision and I have no right to ask him to change his mind. But the truth is that I can't imagine my life and my studies without him here. I can imagine some of you thinking "come on, he's just a friend"- but he's not one of many people that I call 'friends'. He's the only one who is always there for me and whom I really trust. I'm almost sure that after another 12 months spent in England he won't come back to us. I mean- he'll have his house, job, friends (and all that stuff people need) there, in London. I feel terrible... I feel like I'm losing someone very special. I feel that all the precious people and things are gradually taken away from me. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that I have no one and nothing left to get me through another day. I feel my heart breaking - I guess that's because he's taking a part of it with him... for ever...

Test

2006-09-06T22:32:00.000+02:00

Nastepny dobry psychotest... Niestety tylko w wersji dla poslugujacych sie jezykiem polskim...
oto link:
http://www.enneagram.pl

just...

2006-09-04T23:49:00.000+02:00

I just hope that all the feelings that I have for this one man do not get lost somewhere in space but reach him... (no matter where he is or what he does) and whisper gently in his ear " someone loves you"...

United 93

2006-09-01T22:33:00.001+02:00

USA, September 11, 2001. Four planes were hijacked. Three of them reached their target. This is the story of the fourth...

"United 93", a film by Paul Greengrass, is a real time account of the events of United Flight 93, one of the planes hijacked on 09/11 that crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania when foiled the terrorist plot. I've just come back from the cinema. I didn't suspect that it would be so shocking... I mean- I heard this story more than once and thought that it won't make me hold my breath. But it did.
It's a very realistic, emotionally-packed story based on available facts such as the last recordings from the pilot cabin and the telephone calls made by the passangers. Meanwhile, we can see the ATC's ineffective efforts to deal with the situation. The tension is constantly building up and does not subside till you go out of the cinema and walk a few metres.
I know that there are thousands of films similar to this one with exactly the same plot outline, but the fact that we know it really did happened changes the perspective. There's no voice in your head echoing "it's just a fiction". No, not this time.

Paul Greengrass very thoroughly shows us a clash of 2 different religions. All the passangers pray, we can hear them saying "Our father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name; the kingdom come....", but at the same time the young Arabians hijack tha plane, kill people and lead to the catastrophe in the name of their god. They address him all the time and till the last moment they believe that he wanted them to do that. Incomprehensible, even for practicing believers of different religions, how can a man sacrifice his and other people's lives for the sake of god who demands such an act from you?! The film makes you to think about it...

And there's one thing more that I won't ever forget - this piercing silence after the last subtitles.
No one even said a word while leaving the cinema. Unusual. Terrifying. Moving.

Back to life

2006-08-31T11:57:00.000+02:00

I went on a 4-day trip to gather my strength just as 2Darts advised me to do. I must say that it was a very good idea to change my surroundings. Now I'm back with my head full of new ideas and so from now on I'm starting to make them into practice. The most important event for me in the near future is my exam. I postponed it for September because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to prepare myself for it (as thoroughly as I wanted to) in June. It's American Literature - the subject that I assosiate my future with. Also the lecturer that is responsible for this exam is the one that I admire the most so I don't want to make a fool of myself... That's why I read all the books twice :) But the most important part of the material (the lectures) is still left to be revised. I thought that 2 weeks would be enough for that but unfortunately I didn't take into consideration the fact that 3 of me friends ( 2 of whom have absolutely no idea what American Literature is about) will remember me before the exam...
As a result of that I have 2 weeks to learn all the lectures and to teach 3 dunces at least enough for them to pass the exam. How am I supposed to do that?????
I guess I will have to resign from sleep for some time. Keep your fingers crossed :)

Boris Vallejo

2006-08-26T15:29:00.000+02:00

While reading 2Dart's blog today I couldn't overlook his post about erotic photography and painting generally. I checked out the gallery of one of the artists that he admires (Boris Vallejo) and I found it magnificent. Vallejo is probably well known to those who are interested in fantasy stuff. But I recommend his gallery to everyone.
Personally I liked his black and white paintings the most, but all of them are fabulous.

I couldn't add a different one to my post as I absolutely adore woman-angel paintings, photos etc.

2Darts- Thank You ;)

Change

2006-08-26T01:01:00.000+02:00

After several days of isolation from the world I came to the conclusion- I'm wasting my life.
My brain is busy with thoughts about my past (instead of future) and questions with no answers.
My heart is occupied by a man who is entirely unattainable for me.
My body is full of various forms of caffeine and little else.
And the whole form of myself so carefully remade from all the broken pieces has a tendency to fall apart every 2 weeks.
It's high time to change it...

like a journey through my mind...

2006-08-24T22:49:00.000+02:00

2 of those people who read my posts asked me if I 'm not afraid to write such private things - if I'm not afraid that some of my friends will get to know too much about the things they should know little about. Here I give you the answer :
Well... This blog is quite personal, I admit, but it is supposed to be a kind of my online diary. It's not designed for my friends. It's designed for me, for my own need of self-expression. I sometimes add some interesting links or write about the things I find worth mentioning, but generally it's a place where I can write what I think and feel. And my friends have no idea that there is acronym's blog somewhere in the web :)
One of you wrote that reading my words is like taking a journey through my mind. That's a proper metaphor I believe. My posts perfectly show my current mood and way of thinking.
If you want to read it- go ahead. And if you don't want to- well, you don't have to ;)

Quizzes

2006-08-18T10:49:00.000+02:00

My brain is 60% female and 40% male and yours? :)
http://www.blogthings.com/whatgenderisyourbrainquiz/

Also:
I had some time today to comb through other quizzes on blogthings.com
Some of them are quite interesting, some of them are funny.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourpersonalitytypequiz/

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excelent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.

You would make a great photographer, alterative medicine guru, or teacher.

http://www.blogthings.com/whattimeofdayareyouquiz/

You are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality ime with family and close friends.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatwillyourfamouslastwordsbequiz/

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"I dunno, press the button and find out."

http://www.blogthings.com/whatplanetshuldyourulequiz/

You Should Rule Venus

Venus is a mysterious, stormy planet - shrouded in a thick layer of clouds.

You are perfect to rule Venus, because you are quite emotional and volatile yourself.
Your emotions change as rapidly as the weather on Venus, and both you and the planet are incomprehensible to others.

While you are not a logical thinker, you are quite empathetic.
You can care for and understand others, but your emotions swirl too quickly to truly understand yourself.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdrugisyourpersonalitylikequiz/

Your Personality Is Like Marijuana

You're laid back and easy going, so much that taking shower is often too much trouble for you!
(well I'm not so sure about that :) )
Nevertheless, you're quite popular, and many people enjoy your company. You're rarely turned down.
You're prone to giggle fits, paranoia, and forgetting where you are exactly.

http://www.blogthings.com/whatsuperheroareyouquiz/

You Are Spider-Man

Quick and agile, you have killer instincts (litearally).
And that kind of makes up for the whole creepy spider thing.

Well... I have to say that the results are surprisingly TRUE (maybe with the exception of Marijuana) ;)

Looking for myself in me...

2006-08-15T21:33:00.000+02:00

Strange things happening in my life recently...
Hard to tell where will they lead me and people I love; too early to judge. I guess there's no other way for me to find out than wait... I keep on thinking about them all the time. Especially about those closely connected with my family.
Unexpected appearance of my stepbrother is the event that does not leave my mind alone even when I'm asleep.
I feel like each second I'm plunging deeper and deeper into the abyss of my own expectations and doubts...
Right now I can't explain what I feel inside... A blend of unknown and contradictory feelings.
I need a rest... I need to change my surroundings... I need to find myself again.
I don't know how long does it gonna take me but when I'm complete again I will let you all know about that.
Meanwhile I'll try to write about more positive aspects of my life...
As soon as I notice any...

P.S. M. & T. -I miss you guys... :*

The Awakening

2006-08-10T22:52:00.000+02:00

Haven't been here for a couple of days- I've been reading (or rather re-reading) books that I have to know well for my exam in September... The most important one for me- that's why it's postponed. I'm reading "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin in the moment... And here I've got some quotes which I identify with:
- "At a very early period she had apprehended instinctively the dual life - that outward existence which conforms, the inward life which questions"
- "She was blindly following whatever impulse moved her, as if she had placed herself in alien hands for direction, and freed her soul of responsibility."
- "She had all her life long been accustomed to harbor thoughts and emotions which never voiced themselves. They had never taken the form of struggles. They belonged to her and were her own, and she entertained the conviction that she had a right to them and that they concerned no one but herself."
- "She was still under the spell of her infatuation. She had tried to forget him, realizing the inutility of remembering. But the thought of him was like an obsession, ever pressing itself upon her. It was not that she dwelt upon details of their acquaintance, or recalled in any special or peculiar way his personality; it was his being, his existence, which dominated her thought, fading sometimes as if it would melt into the mist of the forgotten, reviving again with an intensity which filled her with an incomprehensible longing."

Read this book...

in the night...

2006-08-06T23:11:00.000+02:00

Tonight the night seems more dark, quiet and impressive than ever. The light is off, I sit all alone looking in the sky, listening to the sound of leaves swayed by the wind.... And no matter how hard I try to get him out of my mind, all I can think of is HIM. Yes, there is a Man who I love with my own strange kind of love. Every single thing that I learn about him reveals the truth- that he's the most eccentric person that I've ever known. I guess you cannot know him, no matter how hard you'd try to see through him ; it's just impossible and that makes me love him even more. Unspoken love is like a poison. If you don't spit it out, it will eat you up inside. So I let it eat me, piece by piece, starting from my heart....

-JLB-

2006-08-05T13:34:00.000+02:00

until you've seen the sluggish bends of the
Neva, the way its
reflected light keeps you from breathing, you can't
ever know the
quickening of my pulse
underneath the layers of self-
inflicted calmness, as I
try to pretend that you aren't
everything, try to pretend that my
desire isn't a graveyard, and that you're not the groundskeeper...

That's how I feel right now...

2006-08-03T14:48:00.000+02:00

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing...

Polish President....

2006-08-03T11:34:00.001+02:00

It's not because of his appearance that I think this man holds improper post but.... Could it be worse????

Contemplation, contemplation, contemplation... As always...

2006-08-02T23:03:00.000+02:00

I came back home from a very tiring trip... Hoped to go to sleep soon but unfortunately I have too much thoughts (coming from place I don't know or at least am not conscious about) in my head...
So I started to organize my files (a horrible mess in my computer) to keep my mind busy with something else than those strange thoughts getting darker and darker every evening... But anyway- while looking through some old text files by sheer coincidence I came across gg chat with my... (eh.. he wouldn't probably like me to call him my "friend" because actually he's my lecturer :) ) so let's just say with my acquaintance. I can't explain why but I left it in "my personal documents", although I never do that. I guess that he said things that really influenced (maybe confirm is a better word here) my beliefs and personal convictions about the world and people around us. Probably that was why I saved it. And here I am- sitting in front of my computer screen thinking about what we wrote then... Generally it was a very inspiring and good talk but what I keep on thinking about are his words about differences between people. "A man changes all the time, there are new worlds waiting for him around every corner- we do not always enter them but maybe some day... and the fact that our worlds do not always coincide with each other is one of the most optimistic truths. Difference is all." I want to believe his words and I try to but sometimes it's so difficult to see the optimistic element in this "truth", especially when you cannot find even one person who understands your world... and what if no one's world coincides with mine?....

Psychotest

2006-08-02T21:39:00.000+02:00

A very interesting and.... surprisingly TRUE psychotest... do it yourself....
http://similarminds.com/career.html

erotic photography... (only for those interested)

2006-07-24T23:58:00.000+02:00

Here I give you some links with interesting erotic photos ( at least in my opinion)
These are 2 Russian photographers:
- http://polkhirev.ru/
- http://leona.narod.ru/

A French one:
- http://www.adeljarrie.com

and one from Canada:
- http://www.markmarek.com

Some of them are REALLY good, some of them are... maybe JUST good but still- worth seeing I guess. So enjoy if you want to...

Just for the beginning...

2006-07-24T21:04:00.000+02:00

Life is a luminous halo, a semi-transparent envelope surrounding us from the beginning...