Only

I'm becoming less defined as days go by

Fading away

And well you might sayI'm losing focus

Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself

Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world

Your world that is

Cause it doesn't really matter anymore

No it doesn't really matter anymore

None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was

As far back as I can tell

I think maybe it's because...

Because you were never really real to begin with

I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.

Yes it did!

There is no you

There is only me

There is no fucking you

There is only me

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye

and it turned out to be a scab

And I had this funny feeling like

I just knew it's something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone,

I kept picking at the scab

It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut

But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be,

and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see

And now I know why, now, now, now I know why

Things aren't as pretty

On the inside

NIN

In memory of Ania M.

Yesterday one of our friends from English Department died...
We were all very distressed to hear about her death.
She was joyful, energetic and charmingly scatterbrained.
It's just not fair that she had to leave this world at the age of 21.

There's nothing left to say in such a moment...

Ann - we won't forget [*]

To be different...

From childhood's hour I have not been as others were;
I have not seen as others saw;
I could not bring my passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken my sorrow;
I could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.

Edgar Allan Poe

Erotica

Once you put your hand in the flame

You can never be the same

There's a certain satisfaction

In a little bit of pain

I can see you understand

I can tell that you're the same

If you're afraid, well rise above

I only hurt the ones I love

Madonna

Quotations

Some more quotations which I really like :

‘I didn't like to think about passion, it wasn’t a part of my nature, or so I thought. How little we know – I mean really know – about our capabilities.’

‘It’s difficult to remember quite how and when intrest in another human being flares into something more commited, more passionate.’

‘Of course I searched for her. It’s only when you’ve lost someone, you realize the nonsense of that phrase “it’s a small world”. It isn’t. It’s a vast, devouring world, especially if you’re alone.’

‘If one has given oneself utterly, watching the beloved sleep can be a vile experience. Perhaps some of you have known that paralysis, staring down at features closed to your enquiry, locked away from you where you can never, ever go, into the other’s mind. As I say, for us who have given ourselves, that is a horror. One knows, in those moments, that one does not exist, except in relation to that face, that personality. Therefore, when that face is closed down, that personality is lost in its own unknowable world, one feels completely without purpose. A planet without a sun, revolving in darkness.’

‘While the nature of God and the possibility of eternal life go undiscussed, we happily chew over the minutiae of misery. The syndrome recognizes no boundaries; in bath-house and seminar-room alike, the same ritual is repeated. With the inevitability of a tongue returning to probe a painful tooth, we come back and back and back again to our fears, sitting to talk them over with the eagerness of a hungry man before a full and steaming plate.’

Clive Barker, Books of Blood

LiberaIism

One more thing- someone, whose views I always take into consideration as the ones worth attention, said today that so called 'liberalism' has no chance to succeed in our world. I am not fully convinced but I must admit that his words are thought-provoking...
Don't you think so?

But still...

Ok, let's face it - I've got at least 10000 things to say and so little time before my eyes inevitably close. So I guess I have to restrict myself to these most important thoughts.
First and the most significant one is the change in me - I began to derive real, I mean REAL pleasure from being with someone I love. I finally appreciated security, support, caresses, endearments and... the feeling of uniqueness that a 5-year relationship brings. I can say that I am trully happy at last.
M.- thank you for the part of me you bring out.
Secondly, I would like to leave here a message to someone - Ann, thank you for being such a great person, thank you for letting sunbeams into my life, thank you for your friendship. It means a lot to me.
The storm is over.
So why do I still feel so excited, so restless, so rough????
Maybe you are right that that's just the way I am... always dangerously alert, always waiting for something, always on standby.
My curiosity is never satisfied, my appetite is never sated, my ambitions are never fulfilled...
Is it wrong?

Better days :)

I've been in a much cheerful mood for some time. I'm not so critical about our department any more and I can see both sides of this story. Looking at the man I admire so much and getting to know what's his point of view helped me to get a broader perspective on the issue. Generally he constantly influences my way of thinking. He's much older and wiser than I am so the things he says always make me look at myself critically. It's not that I automatically adopt views from him, but I test my views against his ideas and accept the best of them. I've learnt not to expect too much from life and not to plan too much, because then you're not open to the posibbilities that life brings you. I define goals that are possible to achieve in the near future and I keep my options open. I try to focus on who I want to be, not where I want to be or with whom I want to be - these are the things you can always change. Now I'm leraning to be assertive and to control my own destiny. Wish me good luck ;)

The Passion

“How is it that one day life is orderly and you are content, a little cynical perhaps but on the whole just so, and then without warning you find the solid floor is a trapdoor and you are now in another place whose geography is uncertain and whose customs are strange?

Travellers at least have a choice. Those who set sail know that things will not be the same as at home. Explorers are prepared. But for us, who travel along the blood vessels, who come to the cities of the interior by chance, there is no preparation. We who were fluent find life is a foreign language.

Somewhere between the swamp and the mountains. Somewhere between fear and sex. Somewhere between God and the Devil passion is and the way there is sudden and the way back is worse.(...)

The heart is so easily mocked, believing that the sun can rise twice or that roses bloom because we want them to(...)

It was a game of chance I entered into and my heart was the wager. Such games can only be played once.(...)

I longed for feeling though I could not told you that. Words like passion and extasy, we learn them but they stay flat on the page. Sometimes we try and turn them over, find out what’s on the other side, and everyone has a story to tell of a woman or a brothel or an opium night or a war. We fear it. We fear passion and laugh at too much love and those who love too much. And still we long to feel.”

Back to reality

I've just come back from my journey to Hungary and Slovakia. I had a great time in both countries. Why do all the pleasant things in life end so quickly?
Here I am back to reality... For the beginning I got to know that my best friend who was supposed to go to London came back to his drug addiction. He started to take hard drugs once again after almost a year of abstinence. He's no more the person I loved so much. He's like a shadow of the man that he used to be. I hate situations that you can do nothing about. I hate being helpless. I hate to see how he's slowly killing himself. In my previous post I wrote that my heart is breaking cause he's taking a part of it with him, I've changed my mind - my heart is slowly vanishing, probably because a part of it is dying together with M.
Helplessness - the worst feeling of all.

He's leaving...

My best friend has just come back from London after spending 3 months there. I couldn't wait to see him. I missed him so much. These were the longest 3 months in my whole life. And when I could finally hug him and feel safe in his arms again... he told me that he's leaving for a year. He wants to give up his studies and go to London to earn some money. What can I say? That's his decision and I have no right to ask him to change his mind. But the truth is that I can't imagine my life and my studies without him here. I can imagine some of you thinking "come on, he's just a friend"- but he's not one of many people that I call 'friends'. He's the only one who is always there for me and whom I really trust. I'm almost sure that after another 12 months spent in England he won't come back to us. I mean- he'll have his house, job, friends (and all that stuff people need) there, in London. I feel terrible... I feel like I'm losing someone very special. I feel that all the precious people and things are gradually taken away from me. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that I have no one and nothing left to get me through another day. I feel my heart breaking - I guess that's because he's taking a part of it with him... for ever...

Test

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